Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Why are Black Women So Difficult to be With?




My Coworker and I had this conversation the other day at work. I wanted to blog about it as soon as I got off work that day, but things came up as they always do so.... Anyway better late than never huh?
This is the guy I blogged about in an earlier post... You might remember, the republican, married to a white women, raised out in the sticks, yeah that guy. Anyway, we were talking about interracial relationships and he told me why he married a white woman.
Side note..... I do not care about why he married a white woman. As long as they truly love each other and are happy, living productive lives, does it really matter what race she is?
However, since this was our topic for the day, I guess he felt the need to "come out", for lack of a better term. He told me that he has dated a few black women in his past and he just wasn't feeling them. He told me that they were temperamental, controlling, and manipulative. He told me he felt more at ease with white women. He told me if something happened to his marriage he would not even look at a black woman. Well that is his preference, so what could I say? I kind of understand why he feels like this, and I kind of don't.
Me, I love black women. I have been known to cross over to the Latinas in my younger and (single) days but.... I digress.....
Back on topic...
I love the challenge that black women give. I love the sassiness. I love the attitude. If a black man or any man for that matter, is lucky enough to find a black woman that loves him unconditionally he has found himself a ride or die chick. He has found a woman that will support him if he has a million dollars, or if he lives in his mommas basement. I love the strength of black women. Any woman that can put up with everything that our women have to put up with on a daily basis, is in my opinion, a Super Woman. I know that black women can be very opinionated and demanding, but that is because of the stupid and weak shit that we (black men) do. Let me explain.
We put a lot on black women. A survey said that 4 in 6 children born to black parents are born out of wedlock. Which means that 4 in 6 times the child is going to be raised by the mother. Which also means that the mother has to be the father, sole provider, the giver of discipline, the care giver and whatever else role that we as black men are supposed to be doing. I believe that God put everyone on this earth to play a specific part. Everyone has a role they are meant to play. I think that in these times men and women have forgotten what their role is.
Women are not supposed to raise kids alone. There is nothing that a woman can teach a boy about being a man. Just like there is nothing that a man can teach a girl about being a woman. It takes two.
I believe this is why that some men think that black women are so difficult to have a relationship with. We force black women to play the role that the black man is supposed to play. We put our women in a position were they have to be the only one to provide discipline, love and financial support to our children. We force them to fight and be hostile just so they can survive. We put our women out in harms way because there are some of us that are too weak to stand up and be the man that God made us to be.
Here is where the difficult part comes in to play. A black woman has had to fight and scratch to take care of everything that a black man should be taking care of.... And then a man comes into into her life that knows what his role is and he expects her to stop what she has been doing her whole adult life and revert to the role he thinks she should be in. Of course there is going to be some hostility. Your damn right there is going to be some attitude. There is going to be some manipulation and control issues. How could there not be?
This woman has been playing his part all her adult live and he expects her to change all of a sudden to suit him and his needs?
This woman has been hurt and betrayed by punk-ass little boys all her life and we expect her to automatically slip back into her part when we come along?
Please...
If the shoe were on the other foot how would we feel?
Everyone on this earth has a place that they are supposed to be in. Until we (black women and black men) find our place and settle into it, the misconception that the Original Woman, the Queen of the Universe, is controlling, manipulative and temperamental will not change.

19 comments:

Dionnew9 said...

Sorry to dissent, but I see a mistake in your logic that a lot of people make - this seeming notion that "sassiness" or "challenge" is a) inherent in a black woman and b) an admirable trait. Let me just say I already recognize the irony in my preparing to challenge your statement that black women provide a challenge. But I point out there's a marked difference between an intellectual challenge (debating an idea, ie.) and challenge for challenge's sake (aka "sassiness").

I digress.

Every black women is not a confrontational, neck rolling sassy saskins. And there's something offensive about the common assertion that black women all have that sort of pepper in them, for lack of a better term. Where we do see "sassiness" it's not to be praised - quite frankly, most of those people are just assholes who like to start stuff. My cousin is a perfect example. Attitude within 60 seconds. And she will go through her life thinking everyone is racist against her, when in actuality, she misses out on things by the sheer force of her jerkitude.

What's more, I think black women are socialized into this behavior. We think it's "cute" if a little black girl is snapping her fingers and all of that. When we need to teach black girls to depend on their minds and preserve their dignity in all cases. There's a time for an attitude - but that should be defense no. 5.

I think the inability of many black women to stop being jerks for a while is, rather than being some magical praise-worthy force that spouses should endear, actually a profoundly negative force that destroys the very relationships black women want.

And there it is. *peace*

Dirty Red said...

Dionnew9,
I agree with you. there is a major difference between a debate and somebody that just likes drama. I also agree that not all black women are "sassy". But you have to agree with me in that a lot of this is caused by a woman not ever seeing a productive relatinship, ie Mom and Dad, or either never been in a productive relatinship. So, the solution I think is to go back to the good old days where Mom and Dad were in the same house, and they both had an active role in raising the kids. And again this is only my opinion. Thank's for your comment.

Anonymous said...

great post,i love sisters to,but man you will be hard pressed to find black woman that are open minded to different music.i love thier looks thier feel,but they carry so much negative baggage,almost every sista i have met has been a player type.soon as something better comes along with money they are outty.they gravitate towards brothers that treat them like shit.the do 4 me attitude destroy's thier chances to get decent brothers.tyring to get a sisters # is like pulling teeth.most are so unaproachable it's pathetic.they are to caught up in materialistic bullshit & sorry ass r&b,beggin for pussy/kieth sweat shit.i need deep thinkers & open mindedness,ive yet to find that in black woman.

marcus said...

I think it is a mistake to believe that black men are the soul reason for the attitude problems that some black women can have.

I know you know that it takes both a woman and a man to make a baby so it would seem to me the woman is just as culpable in helping to make herself a single parent.

Now some break ups can't be helped, but having a baby by a flipping loser like my 23 yr old jobless lazy ass brother is asking for trouble and single motherhood. And a lot of woman would be more then happy to do so.

Anonymous said...

tyring to get a sisters # is like pulling teeth.most are so unaproachable it's pathetic.they are to caught up in materialistic bullshit. At some point ya gotta move on & thats why so many brothers have crossed over to the othersides,love who loves you.sassiness is one thing,loud & boisterous is another.

Liz said...

I don't buy the comments about ALL black women being shallow, materialistic, evil, conniving heffas. Wesley Snipes said it years ago and look where he is now! It's karma!

Guys, maybe you are looking in the wrong places. If you are looking for women who do community service/volunteer instead of a woman who's flossin' at the club, well, maybe you might find a special someone. And besides, haven't y'all heard about white women who sleep with black athletes because they're hoping to get pregnant and be set for life? Gosh, materialistic? Manipulative? Hmm???

My black mom is married to a white man, my dad, and she would never disrespect him or the black men in our family by saying that she primarily got with a white guy because black men didn't treat her right. Way to make your spouse feel like the sloppy seconds.

My parents have been married over 40 years and she says she got with my dad because it was true love. He says the same thing about her. Someone you're going to marry deserves nothing less.

Anonymous said...

haven't y'all heard about white women who sleep with black athletes because they're hoping to get pregnant and be set for life? Gosh, materialistic? Manipulative? Hmm??? Oh i see,all woman aint shit,regardless of race.and yes ive met ms.community service & ms church lady.they seem to be lookn for a cake with icing as well. black women being shallow, materialistic, evil, conniving heffas. Wesley Snipes said it years ago and look where he is now! It's karma! wesley still got his though.sisters need to drop as much bitchy bullshit as they can.god dont like ugly,nor do serious brothers out here.

daddio911 said...

Damn!!!!! I didn't know that a simple desire would end up being the blogger's choice. I had no idea that my ideas and choices would garner so much attention. Maybe I should start one of these blogs myself and skip responding to my boy Red's. I think that my boy Red took my words out of context. Not every black woman is a manipulative bitch who wants money and a weak brother, nor do I think that every white woman is this angel that treats her man like he is magic. I met and fell in love with a woman who returned my love at every opportunity. I fell in love with a woman who returnd my respect and showed me what it meant to WANT to be a better man and give as much to our life together as I recieved. It is true that in my 36 years, I've met some black women......"sistas" that left a bad taste in my mouth, but honestly I've met as many white, latin and asian women that did exactly the same. I think that we all can be assholes no matter what color we are and if you were ever that way to me, that's why your ass got dropped. Whatever the reason my "sistas" want to be rude and unattainable is beside the point. If that acton was aimed at me, it was left where I saw it. I understand that life hands us a basket of crap sometimes, but don't let the fact that you made a mistake in life with one man, drive you away from another. There are a lot of good people out there who just date their same race and a lot of good people who date whoever makes them feel alive. I have always been the latter. I dated who I felt comfortable with... who treated me like they wanted to be treated. In my life the last person to do that magical task was a white woman. My fine nubian women......stop hooking up with the worst "brothas" among us just because they have "game". That game often is not going to carry you over the threshold and into a wonderful existence. It often will take you to bed, rock your world then call you a liar and a whore if you "happen" to get pregnant. If this has already happened to you, look at your prior choices and don't go back there. There is nothing for you in a relaionship with a guy whose car is bumping, body is kicking, words are like nibbles on your ears if that is not followed by the empathetic respect that should go along with it. Let down your guard when the next guy tries to talk to you just long enough to see if he is genuine and wants whatever it is that you want. If your plan is to dog him out because he doesn't want to dog you out........ I feel for you because you will reep what you sow. To my buddy Red I leave you with this. If I would have met a black woman who was willing to drop the act and and be not a strong black woman, but a strong woman, I'd probably be married to one right now. As it were, I met my strong woman.........she just happens to be white.

Dirty Red said...

DADDIO911,
Well said!!
I ain't mad you at man.
But you know that we have so many good discussions at work I am still going to write about them. Where would we be as a people if we did't talk about our differences? Maybe that is the problem, huh. Anyway thank's for finally placing a comment on my little ole blog.

Anonymous said...

I am with a white woman now,but all who know me know i would rather have a fine ass sister on my arm.Im 42 years old & have yet to find this so called wonderful mentally stimulating sister.Im not getting any younger,or better looking.Its like im in my own personal hell.Sisters please make yourselves approachable to these good brothers amongst you.

M.Kam said...

You know, I originally saw the title of the post & got all riled up thinking this was another "black woman bashing." Trust, the earrings were coming off with the vaseline. But thankfully there was something real behind that title. I guess I've been inspired to write my own blog entry but I thought this was a great breakdown.

Anonymous said...

Woe man!!!! Their is many issues concerning the mindset of our Black Women out there. Some of you would be right in saying that some black women have wrong mindsets and are difficult to deal with and that black men are dogs because they leave their women to be a single parent and do it all. {Not in all case!} Other races are no different! They just disguise it another way! We all need to take a step back and realize that if we were on Gods plan for a happy and fulfilling relationship; that we would be better off in the long run. We let our Carnal minds and flesh dictate to us what type of man or women we choose. We don't take the time out to get to know ourselves or the other person truly before we rush in all over again and call it love. Most of us have been toiling in deception, lust and sin so long that we are lost all together. Let me explain: When we are through doing our dirt, being treated like dirt and being in hurt as men and women. When we come to the point to where we want to settle down and begin living a decent life. We should take the time to search our hearts and purge it of all malice, hatred, deception and baggage. (Grow Spiritually) Because this is what we bring to the table if its not dealt with prior to. This is what most women deal with on a daily! {Men Also!!} We as people period gravitate to what we know or have always known. We need to get a clue of what a happy healthy (Godly) relationship is and work towards that dream. Don’t look back in that direction {the old}! Theirs nothing back there but hurt and pain. If you just so happen to glance back, let it be to see how far you’ve come. We all make mistakes, but we don’t have to be bound by them. Theirs someone for everyone and the spirit within us searches that special person out when your ready! Stay optimistic!! Gods blessings be with you!! Oh!! Forgive my literature skills!! LOL!!!!

Sincerely,
Servant

Jazzylady said...

dirty red, you must be that rarity among brothers, one who understands. You have the understanding of an "old timey" brother. You understand that there are many types of sisters and that many things have impacted us. Some of us have survived, but some of us are damaged, have suffered emotionally. You also hit on the fact of the parents lacking in the home. We sisters need our dads as the men in our lives to look up to, to show us what a true man is like, who he is and how he acts towards the sisters in his life, her mother, his mother, his sisters; a boy needs a mother for the same reason, and a father even more so. Our boys are being lost to us at an alarming rate due to the fact that their parents aren't marrying, making commitments to them, their mothers or themselves.

dionnew9 I am brassy, sassy, intelligent, bright and bold, and ain't a thing wrong with that. The problem I find is that too many times all a brother really wants is a sister who looks like a Bratz doll, and embodies everything else, and that isn't always possible. Too many seem to be looking for the body that will turn them on, instead of being turned on from the soul. Some brothers chase that butt then expect the sister to have everything else that he needs in a sister, and it doesn't always happen that way, then he's mad. Too many of us lack the skills or the thoughts to chose our partners properly, with our hearts instead of our genitals. As brothers and sisters we both have much to learn, but dirty red is way ahead of the curve.

Anonymous said...

always possible. Too many seem to be looking for the body that will turn them on, instead of being turned on from the soul. Of course brothers want the whole package,looks, brains.The male is wired to seek what he sees,a brother still gotta sleep with this woman,so of course we want a fine ass sister.If we gotta put up with the spicey attitude she mighy as well look good.who wants a ugly ass boisterious woman,no thanks.

Anonymous said...

I do wish everyone would let black women be themselves, not the SASSY black woman, not the BITCHY black woman. Some women are bitchy, some women are sassy, some women are shy, some women are black.
As a black woman who is the opposite of sassy, I'm really quite shy, it pisses me off. What? I'm not a black woman cause I don't have the BLACK WOMAN SASSINESS????

If someone has to justify why they are with someone, they've problems. Of course they will blame it on others, it's never their fault. Do you know I see the exact same thing from white men as well?
Those who date black women will say white women are too controlling, here in Europe, a black woman is seen as taking care of her man. Excuses, the whole lot of you. The black men will go with the white women because the problem is the black woman, then white men will go for the same black woman saying the problem is white women. (this goes for women as well)
If you are ending up with BITCHY black women (or men), THE PROBLEM IS YOU. Learn how to choose a good human being.

MysTery said...

This is a great post! I am so glad to see a guy coming from a understanding point of view as to why some women are the way they are sometimes...This is a rarity!

Good job!

Product Notify said...

Ok I agree with your assessment. YES many black women have a chip on their shoulder.

NOW... forget the reasoning, and the excuses and the explanation.

GOOD MEN shouldnt have to deal with that. Whats the solution?

I hear your explanation and I have had many conversations with my friends, all successful black men.

And it comes to a point where you cant turn over every stone and fix each women you come across.

Forget the reasons why... Nobody wants to be challenged and in competition with their women.

Men have a role and women have a role outlined by God. and thats it.

Sad story for the state of the black family, when we must go elsewhere to be treated like kings.

Ive treated all my women like queens and still to no avail.

I blame the drug laws and the racist laws that tear the black family apart for over 100 years. smh

The R said...

I kind of agree with what a few of the other ppl said on here. You make a lot of generalizations on this post which almost make your argument invalid. First of all. All black women are not single mothers who have been screwed over by a million black men. That's a gross generalization and a stereotype. Also, not all black women are sassy and confrontational either. I've met a lot of black women that are actually quite calm and submissive. It honestly just depends on the women. You should change the title of this so that it communicates that you are only talking about one type of black woman and not the entire race.

Im every woman said...

How do we as black woman make yourselves approachable