Thursday, May 8, 2008

Diary of a Unsatisfied Black Man

I am sitting here doing a a little self analysis of myself and I do not like what I am discovering. I feel like am behind the curve ball of my life. I should be further along than I am. I should not be an office worker, I should be an office manager. I should have my Master's degree by now. I should be a father. Well,I should KNOW I am a father, I might be a father, I just have not been informed yet. (I was a wild boy in the military. I have "been" with women all over Europe, and half of these 50 states.)

My finances should be better than they are. I should not at this point in my life have to decide what bill gets paid this pay period and which bill has to wait until... whenever.

In other words I am very dissatisfied with the way I am living.

Don't get me wrong, I am further along than a lot of the cats I grew up with. The ones that are not dead, locked up, been locked up or on the way to be locked up, that is. Which is exactly the situation I would have been in if I had not left for the Army.

I have a woman that loves me, I am a home owner and I somewhat have the respect of my peers.

I just want more in my life.

Am I wrong for feeling like this?

I am a very blessed man. God has always provided everything that I have ever needed.

But... (you know there is always a but)....

I am not satisfied.

I want Kids.

I want to be financially secure. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be alright, ya know?

I want to be in a position where I can start to change some of the things I blog about that irritate me. IE..Mentoring our youth, the discrepancies in our JUST-US System, Education for our youth and our adults.

I just want to make a difference in the world that God has given me. So far I have not done anything that is of note. At least I don't think so.
Maybe I am just being hard on myself.

But If I am not hard on myself, then who will be?

If I don't push myself to be better than I am at this point, who will?

I know I like writing. I think I am pretty damn good at it. Maybe this is what God wants me to do.

I have always enjoyed writing.

Maybe I should use this talent to get what I want out of life.

What do yall think?


truth said...

Dirty Red,
I know how you feel, my life is not where I thought it would be by the time I reached my thirties. Although, like you, I'm doing better than many of my peers.

The real competition in life is with ourselves. We are sometimes our own worst enemies. Beating ourselves up, plus not recognizing the many blessings and opportunities that lie before us.

I think its positive you want more out of life and are not content with your situation. I have blogged in the past too, about wanting to be an agent of change in our community.

The hard part is realizing you can only do so much and accepting the Lord's will. This pray always brings me back to reality : "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done."

I believe you do have a gift for writing, it's definitely something you should continue to explore.

ZACK said...

DAMN Truth! You beat me to saying everything I wanted to say! :)

But I think I can add something different. First, as a 36-37 year old man, you have had experience with women. I haven't. (That's an upcoming post next week)

I don't want kids. I feel that I'm so insecure that I don't offer anything to kids. I thank god for nieces, nephews, and a goddaughter. That's enough young people for me to inspire. But having my own kids, especially boys, would be more of a downer for me. I feel like I can't teach my son sports, nor can I show my daughter a man that she can feel protected by.

But wanting a better life is actually a sign of growth. You have to go higher every day until you reach that heavenly goal.

I agree that you are one helluva writer and more young men should read your message. But don't you worry- I'm working on that as we speak.

Dirty Red said...

Truth and Zack,

If I can depend on anyone in the blogasphere to brighten up my mood, it is you two. I agree with both of you...However Zack,

Why do you constantly down yourself? You sound like a cool brother. You have a good head, and I think any lady would be a fool not to accept you for you. Granted I have not met you yet, but from reading your thoughts you have a lot to offer any woman. You can tell how strong a man is if he is not afraid to show how weak he is.
Does that make sense?

Anyway, thanks to both of you Brothers for supporting my blog.
I really appreciate it.

jjbrock said...

Dirty Red please let me say this with love. When we start to compare our selves to others we will always come up short. It's the number one trick of the enemy. You can spend all your life trying to get ahead of the eight ball and never get there and if you do get ahead how do you know that you have? Is it by comparison again?

You can do something about your finances by denying your self right now of some pleasures. Save more money but right now it's bad for everyone you are not the only one struggling from pay check to pay check. You are a young man you can make mistakes and have time to recoup from them but it's a time coming that youth want be on your side any more.

I think you need to ask your self why are you dissatisfy you say that you are a home owner WOW! that is a great accomplishment stop and enjoy the ride stop looking at others their paths is not your path.

brran1 said...

I don't even know most 40 year olds that are homeowners. So trust you are ahead of the curve. It's not wrong to want more. Just make goals and strive to meet them. said...
This comment has been removed by the author. said...

Hi there! {waves}

Thank you for this post.

I will try very hard not to reinforce the stereotype of the black woman who feels entitled to tell a black man what to do! (LOL)

I said I will try! (smiles)

So, allow me to just leave you with a quote...and I am quoting a brotha:

"You are where you are today because of what you thought of yourself yesterday, and you will be where you are tomorrow based on what you have done with your time today."

Peace blessings and DUNAMIS!

Thembi said...

I feel exactly the same way to the letter...can't really elaborate more because I'm as clueless as you are if not more...and the real crappy part is not at all about what other people have, or even that life is not what you imagined it to be by now, its more that simply being unfullfilled sucks way more than I ever thought it could! Anyway just my 2 cents...

Kieya said...

I think part of it is you being too hard on yourself. How do you know you haven't changed someone already? That you or your blog hasn't made a difference? You don't have to be doing large, grand things to change the world. I think you're writing is a gift in itself & I'm pretty sure more than 1 person has left this site with something.

On the other hand, you concerns are valid. I'm clearly not at the point in my life where you are but I think its normal for folks to have those feelings but you're doing a lot already. And thats awesome.

Black IS Beautiful said...

I am going to have to agree with brran1. You just simply need to "make goals and strive to meet them". You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself. It's also good that you have a desire to better yourself because you find a lot of people that get to a "comfortable" point in their life and come to a stopping point.

The Lovely Lady Dae said...

I understand exactly where you are coming from and in most ways I agree with your direction.

This being true, while we must constantly stay humble and wiling to learn, we also must learn to have self confidence and love one's self (imperfections and all).

One of my favorite quotes is "If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you've always gotten." The only constant in life is change.

I've found myself in a state of never being satisfied with myself, as well. I'm happy, but not satisfied (I'll always have room for improvement). I'm just like you in a way; I am my own worst critic.

If I were you, I would look at your feelings in a positive light and use them as a jump board for the rest of your life.

Love, Peace, and Happiness

~The Lovely Lady Dae