Thursday, August 13, 2009
How does it feel to know you ain't shit?
In my short time on this earth, I have accomplished a lot of things. I have had an eventful military career which has taken me all over Europe and the United States. I have managed to get one college degree and I am currently working on another. I have been with the same woman for 11 years. I have managed to stay clear of the Police except for the occasional speeding tickets I have gotten. I have seen and done shit that the average man will never see or do. I have managed to keep my enemies at bay and my friends too.
Like I said I have accomplished a lot of things in my short life thus far, even though I feel as if I should be much farther along in my life than I am.
In case you are wondering where I am going with this.....
Today when I came home from work, my neighbor that lives in the house behind me texted me and told me that 7 or 8 Dallas County constables had surrounded the house behind mine and the one right next to his with weapons drawn looking for the guy that used to live there. This house was recently sold because the former NFL player that bought it for his Grandmother fucked off his career and the millions of dollars he made and could not afford it anymore.
Anyways the guy that the fuzz had a felony arrest warrant for is this former NFL Players Uncle. He was living with his elderly mother. This guy is in his mid 50's and he recently suffered a very serious stroke and has been in an old folks home for the past 6 or 7 months.
Apparently the fuzz thought he still lived in the house. My neighbor told me that he informed the fuzz that the house was recently sold and that the dude they where looking for was currently residing in an old folks home.
Well this guy was the "inspiration" behind this post.
Like I said this guy is in his 50's. He has 6 or 7 grown kids by 5 women that he did not raise. He has been in and out of jail and he has never had any kind of steady employment. He lived with his 78 year old mother and he constantly leached off his nephew, (the former NFL running back)when ever what ever hustle he was involved in at the time fell through the floor.
In other words this dude ain't shit, has never been shit and now that he is disabled, he will never be shit.
I wonder how he feels when ever he looks back on the life he wasted.
I wonder how it feels to have grown kids that do not respect you and instead of taking care of you when you have a serious health problem, they put you in a home.
I wonder how it feels to know that you have nothing to call your own.
I wonder how it feels to know that when ever you die and move from this life into the next that you have nothing to leave your loved ones.
I wonder how it feels to see cats younger than you that has accomplished shit that you could have done if you applied yourself.
How does all this feel?
Like I said, my life is not what I imagined it would be at my age. If I could go back and redo some things I definitely would.
I feel like I should have stayed in the military instead of getting out when I did. Even though I needed a break, I should have stuck it out. Now after a 7 year lay-off, I am right back where I left off. I get "promoted" next month to the same rank I had when I got out the first time. Now instead of having 2 years before retirement, I have another 9.
I should have worked on my degree while I was in the Army the first time, instead of just now trying to go to school.
When I did get out the Army, I should have moved back to Maryland, so I would have the help and support of my mentor, my Uncle Larry, instead of moving to San Antonio where I did not know anybody and the city is about as friendly as being in a cage with a bunch of starving tigers while having a raw steak tied around your neck.
There are a lot of things I should have done with my life that I wished I would have done.
But I can honestly say that I am a decent man. I have treated the people around me with respect and I have been blessed to get that respect back. Even though I have made some life changing mistakes, God has blessed me with a pretty good life. If I am to die tonight I believe I have taken advantage of most of the opportunities God has given me. I can die knowing that I have lived a pretty good life, I am loved and hopefully I will be missed.
So I have to wonder....
How does it feel to know that you ain't shit?