Saturday, February 20, 2010
I think I need some rehab.... Do you think Tiger has an extra bed in his room?
I was talking to my man Daddio 911 the other day at work and for some reason I started talking about my teenage years, my pre Army years. I told him some stuff I have tried to forget.
As I was recanting some of my childhood activities I started to get the rush I used to get when I was actually out in the streets. Street life was my high. I never did any hard drugs. Drugs have always been very scary to me. I did not and I do not like to have my thoughts clouded by some chemical. I was high all the time from adrenaline. I loved the rush of being on the "block". I loved the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next. It was addictive. And I miss it.
That was one thing I loved about being on active duty. The Army replaced the streets for me. I got my adrenaline fix from being out in the field and from being deployed to very hostile areas. I loved it. I still do. That is one of the reasons I came back in.
As I have gotten older I realize that the adrenaline fix I craved when I was younger has not left. I find myself driving too fast on the freeways and weaving in and out of traffic. I go to the roughest part of Dallas by myself and just walk around. I do the same thing whenever I am back in DC. I love the feeling of not knowing what is going to happen. Even though I have to have order in my life, I still love the unexpected. Whenever something does happen, it is like the world moves in slow motion. I see colors more vividly, I hear better and my thoughts are clearer. I operate very well under pressure.
The only thing I do now that gets my heart pumping is exercise. I love to run. Running placates my need to always be in the middle of something. (Although I have not ran since I came back from Seattle because I sprained my ankle up there running through those damn nature trails that are all over the damn place.)
I am also very competitive. I don't always have to win, but if you beat me in anything your ass will know that you were in a fight. I will continue to push until I get a win or you get tired and say fuck it.
My man Daddio said that I have a problem.
I think he is right. But I do not know how to fix it.
I am an adrenaline junky.
There, I said it.
So if there are any other "junkies" out there in blog-land , how do you get your "fix"?